Hello Life

Well it is June 2013 and I am still here.

Living?

It's now May 2010. I have been taking a drug called Cymbalta with a drug called Zprexia for the last year. It seems to have kept me from crashing into the abyss of depression.

Depression is still there, muted but still there. I tried to change the way I see things, "shift my paradigm", but it is often just changing one bad thought to one that is just not as bad.

Fatigue seems to be my biggest side effect now. It feels like I am weighed down by thousands of pounds. It is very hard to find the energy to do anything. Even thinking about doing anything is difficult.

But such is my "Life".

What is to become of me?

" I raise my hands, bow my head
I'm finding more and more truth in the words of written in red
They tell me that there's more to life than just what I can see

I can't quote the chapter or the verse
You can't tell me it all ends
In a slow ride in a hearse
You know I'm more convinced
The longer that I live
Yeah, this can't be
No, this can't be
No, this can't be all there is"

Brooks & Dunn
"Believe"

I am in the Joint

I am now in the hospital. It seems that my posting of my thoughts and desire to end my life has raised a few eyebrows. It seems I am not allowed to post how I feel on this blog.

Here I thought that in this country that I had the right to free speech and to express it in any way that I thought was best suited at the time. I am not wrong but others did not seem to like what I wrote about etc..

That is too bad. I don't care what they think, do or say.

To my wife

"Think of slience as a resourse, not a gap"

Understanding

What is it that most depressed people want? Understanding. Yes, once it has invaded your life we are never sure who we are. Nothing is ever the same again. Your time, space and dimension you are in, is forever changed.

You become lost in your own body.

You are a lost soul who falls between the cracks of the mental health system. They really don't know what to do with you.

Depression 2 description

This is a second way I use to describe what depression is. Although it does not have the emotional impact. It is if you are suspended in the smoke stack floating up and down as your mood takes you. Sometimes you are near the top.
Most of the time you are near the lower half or at the bottom. You look up and all you see is a small round light. Will you ever get to it? It seems so hopeless.

Bricks are being continually added to the top. The "Bricks" are things that happen to me in a continuous negative way and things that I can't or don't know how to deal with. I'll never get out.