What is to become of me?

" I raise my hands, bow my head
I'm finding more and more truth in the words of written in red
They tell me that there's more to life than just what I can see

I can't quote the chapter or the verse
You can't tell me it all ends
In a slow ride in a hearse
You know I'm more convinced
The longer that I live
Yeah, this can't be
No, this can't be
No, this can't be all there is"

Brooks & Dunn
"Believe"

I am in the Joint

I am now in the hospital. It seems that my posting of my thoughts and desire to end my life has raised a few eyebrows. It seems I am not allowed to post how I feel on this blog.

Here I thought that in this country that I had the right to free speech and to express it in any way that I thought was best suited at the time. I am not wrong but others did not seem to like what I wrote about etc..

That is too bad. I don't care what they think, do or say.

To my wife

"Think of slience as a resourse, not a gap"

Understanding

What is it that most depressed people want? Understanding. Yes, once it has invaded your life we are never sure who we are. Nothing is ever the same again. Your time, space and dimension you are in, is forever changed.

You become lost in your own body.

You are a lost soul who falls between the cracks of the mental health system. They really don't know what to do with you.

Depression 2 description

This is a second way I use to describe what depression is. Although it does not have the emotional impact. It is if you are suspended in the smoke stack floating up and down as your mood takes you. Sometimes you are near the top.
Most of the time you are near the lower half or at the bottom. You look up and all you see is a small round light. Will you ever get to it? It seems so hopeless.

Bricks are being continually added to the top. The "Bricks" are things that happen to me in a continuous negative way and things that I can't or don't know how to deal with. I'll never get out.

Disbelief

My wife has suddenly taken an interest in my mental health and well being. I don't trust her. Oct 18, 2008. She is only helping when she is quiet. I really wonder if she realizes that her conversations, her views always end up about her, about what she thinks.

Her verbal nonsense, her verbal communication with me, to me boarders on abusive to me. It angers me. It frustrates me, It gives me no end of grief. It adds to my overall feeling of despair.

It's my fault thought, I just don't understand it.

Depression

Depression can mean different things to many people. Look at this picture. From my dark hiding place I'm looking out onto a forbidding world. It's grey, dull and dreary. Do I really want to leave this comfort zone not knowing if I will experience more pain or less pain. What does it really matter if I move at all ?

I don't belong here

I don't belong here in this time, in this place or dimension. I can't understand the irrationality, or deal with it at all. My paradigm is 180 degrees out of phase with everyone else.

Back & Forth

It's hard to go after my dream,
I'm in pain when they're looking to me,
I've got nothing, I got nothing, I got nothing


Lyircs From a song my son wrote

My life statement and you can quote me on that

I thought that I would feel better if I lowered my expectations and gave up hope.

I don't feel any better.


Glenn J. Smith